Back To Me
An interesting thing happened to me a few years ago. I came to the realization that ‘I’ had gone missing. No, of course, I wasn’t physically gone but the person I had become was essentially gone.
The one who encouraged others. The one who was present for others and cared. The person who was very detail oriented; the event planner for my friends and I. The one who enjoyed life, her family, and the Lord. The person with ridiculous faith. She was gone.
See several years earlier I made a confession of faith; I entered into a personal relationship with the Lord. Now mind you, I’d grown up in the church but I guess I missed the ‘personal relationship in God’ part.
And with anything new, after entering this relationship, I was “on fire” for the Lord. I wanted everyone I met to know this Jesus and I believed every account detailed in the Bible. Now I was not the one to attack complete strangers with scripture and their need to “be saved”. But I did share my beliefs, many times unsolicited, with family, friends, and co-workers.
I read the Word ferociously and studied it fervently. I had this new sense of myself and purpose. I felt God had gifted me in certain areas and I operated in those areas fully (after some denying and battling with God).
I enjoyed being present for people (specifically women) and helping them navigate life’s challenges. I could intercede for them and stand in faith with them, even when their faith seemed to be faltering. I witnessed many women experience hope, renewal, and life change.
I fully walked by faith. I could not be persuaded otherwise. I believed if God spoke it, that settled it; period. I experienced blessings and protections beyond what seemed to make natural sense and, at times, that seemed impossible to others. I trusted God completely.
This went on for over 15 years, even when life dealt what would appear to be its hardest blows, I still believed in and trusted God. I was able to walk in peace even in the midst of some difficult circumstances and trust me there were many.
And of course, I was fully plugged into church ministry. Admittedly I was so busy being busy in and at the church, I lost sight of what was happening in the real world. And, regrettably I missed some aspects of being fully present for my, at the time, small kids. My husband and I served together in ministry, so we were both away often.
At some point, I reached exhaustion and frustration. My heart began to harden and I started to care less. I was still reading the Word but things had become stale – common. The thrill was gone. My perspective starting changing and doubts ensued. Did it really take “all that”? If this is all true, why so many injustices? Would God really allow this and that? And so much more.
I began to question passages of scriptures I’d never doubted before. And I began to question God and His pathway for my life.
Hence began an interesting journey of finding bits of myself again and discovering so much more about my God, myself, and life.
Parts of this blog will delve into some of what I discovered on this journey back to me and beyond.